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Wow, and here I thought that I would keep up with this thing loyally. Man, aren't I funny. ^-^ Harharhar.
Hurrr... not too much is different, really. I still talk like this thing gets read by people other than myself and I'm still much too busy reading in to things to actually take the time to understand them rather than just break them down.

Though, as one change, I was "asked out" by a female today.
Not entirely sure how I will go about breaking that to mom and dad. It shouldn't be too bad, considering mom has always encouraged me to be open about those things.

The Bisexuality isn't exactly a new development, though. I believe very strongly in the love is love prospect, along with giving people a fair chance at whatever it is they're striving to acchieve. I'm not selective, either, I put all my faith in people's personalities. Who knows where you'll find love, really, I think it's important to look for your special somebody in both genders. Even if they're the same gender as you, if you let them slip just because of that, you'd never know what great things were passing you by. And that's a silly thing to miss out on because of gender.

Regardless, this isn't something that my friends and family know about as of yet... I accepted already, rather willingly, yet I have no consent. I have to break it to them shortly. Before monday. Because she wants to meet next thursday. o-o

...Oh, dear...


Jul. 29th, 2010

All things considered, I believe my family to be something sacred in my life. I hear so many stories of broken families, between those of my friends and those of just the random strangers around me.
I have one friend who watched somebody in her family get shot.
That's not something you can ever unsee, and while she told me about it with a smirk, I felt nothing but her pain in that moment.
I have another friend, whose boyfriend was shot and he was in critical condition.

She has since stopped communicating with me, on the promise that she'll be spending a lot more time with her family from here on out. <3

My family is the safe haven from the harsh reality that's around me. They are there to support me, and I have no doubts that if I were to fall they would be of the few to try and catch me.

I keep my personal feelings and my thoughts away from my family. Not because I don't want to tell them, but because I don't feel the need to worry them with my problems. I feel like it would just be trouble for them to know- not to mention, I would have to go to therapy, because the word would leak to my mother. And I for one, do certainly NOT want to go to therapy. It is evil, it is absolutely useless and does nothing but shove the thought from one's mind. That is my take, and I am sticking to it.

Still, the bonds I have fostered are unfathomably strong, especially with my family. I feel as though no matter what ever happens, they will never remain mad at me for long. And things will go on as usual before too long.

Take, for instance, my brother. He and I have not once gotten into a serious arguement. In stark contrast to a lot of other sibling relationships, we almost never get into disagreements- at least, none that become so strong that we yell. As a matter of fact, the last fight I remember ever having with him is such a long time ago that I don't even remember what it was about, but I remember that he bit me. And I didn't like it, obviously, but I was mature enough not to hold it against him. He, in his own way, displays the same course of maturity; if not that, then he does at least show promise. I see a lot of myself in him, as I do my little sister.

In any case; we do not argue, but at the same time, we do not completely ignore each other. The air between us is always rather lax, and we always do things with one another's consent. Like a mutual couple, in a sense, except for the obvious fact that we aren't dating. He considers me good company, and he always flags me down when I pass by him and invites me to join in his games or watch whatever it is he's doing. It's fun, it's good for the days when I need somebody with an unbiased opinion to let me vent on games.

My father; I feel a natural bond with him. Such is very hard to express through words, or any sort of written language. But in heavy attempt to do so; the best I can do is say that I really, truely do respect him as a father figure. There's nothing more I would ask for. He supplied my younger soul with the meaningful beats of nineties alternative and rock- something that impacted me from the moment that I heard it. There was nothing else that so boldly impacted my childhood. Nothing else that I so vividly remember, then my memories of him. And that is something that will be there forever.


On a completely different note:

I didn't get to ride my bike today. It proved to be too humid for me to even think about it, but perhaps tomorrow before it rains I'll try and get outside some. I want very badly to go out riding, to map out the lay of the town in my mind, but then I have yet to get a chance... Honestly, my naieve mind bodes me to go outside on the hopes that I'll perhaps run into somebody that I know. In specific, somebody that I really like. A person that gives me butterflies just thinking about him.

The only name that has the power to not only stop me dead in my train of thought, but literally give me heart pain from the disappointment when they aren't actually there. That person. That ONE person that my friends unanimously agree to being the last person that they want to hang out with, who happens to be one of the nicest people that I've met.

I would gladly help this person, but in hindsight, he's already left me once. And I don't know for sure if he's looked back... I don't even know why he wanted to leave us as "friends" when I was willing to keep going. I can't help but feel it was something about myself or my additude that threw him off- probably my lax view on life or my apparent (but untrue) indifference to how things were.

Bascally, I've created this dream in my little la-la-land. I can't be happy with somebody, that's just dumb. While I'm at it, I'll fix the economy and then go get some ponies.

The pain of living; is death better?

Normally, I am extremely hard to irritate. I am Pisces, and very lax and reserved by nature, but during those rare pearls of time where something gets under my skin, I am not afraid to let the world know about it. My vibes almost immediately turn sour, and from that point to whenever it is I cool down about it, I find it extremely hard to deal with the person in question. Extremely.

As in, I am prone to snapping at them. In a very crude and intelligently put manner. I drop my lax tone, and things tend to immediately fall south. I become very difficult to reason with, and I'm the type of person who shuts her mind to the entire world when the world irritates me.

That being said, this happened to me today. It has bothered me to no end, and I am presently steaming over it as I type. Trying to keep a collected manner, I can tell you, is very hard for me to do right now. It is taking me minute by minute to get these sentences out of my head.

Basically, I was lied to. That is one of my pet peeves; I cannot stand it, as I am a very openly honest person. I do not lie as a coverstory, except in one instance, and I do not lie about my condition, nor do I lie about my opinion. Yes, while I am a good liar, I am not a habitual one and I only use lies when the situation is in jeopardy and they are absolutely needed. Nor do I lie about my position as a liar, and I do not lie to friends (once again, unless the situation calls for it, and well-being/the stability of the relationship is being threatened. The criteria is very specific. )

Lied to over some stupid task that could have been completed in three minutes, and was procrastinated for a whole day instead. That's the part that bothers me. What's more, the lie was totally obvious.

Today was, in general, very unnecessarily stressful for me. Which really shouldn't be, and I'm ashamed a bit, because I should have more control... Considering the dangers of stress to my heart, I should know better than to let it dominate me like this.

And at that... on a much more negative note...

I am fearful. So very fearful...
Over the past week, I have been feeling pain in the center of my chest. I know that it's my heart. I'm positive that's what it is; there's nothing else that it could be. They discovered, over the course of the last two years, that the base of my aorta has enlarged. This means that, while it is a long time coming, some pain is inevitable, and eventually if it persists to enlarge, I not only risk having an aneurysm, but I will have to have some sort of heart surgery.

It hurts. It feels like a constant adrenaline rush, and my body has been more shaky than usual. I have dizzy spells when I stand up sometimes, spells so extreme that my ears ring like school bells, my vision fills with spots, and I lose all contact with what's going on around me.

It scares me how often I notice the pain in my chest. It's not a passing thing like it used to be, it's been here all week without stopping.
The sadistic part of me is hoping that the stupid thing is enlarging. That when I go in next time, they'll scan me and arrange the operation. Or maybe I won't make it to that point and I'm going to die of aortic rupture in a few minutes.
Either way, at least it will put an end to this stupid thing. The constant fear of overworking myself, the day-to-day fear that I'm going to die because the aorta has enlarged to breaking point. That maddening, maddening bounding heartbeat. I'm sick of it.

But maybe it's better to drop that thought alltogether, for now, before I go suicidal or stress myself out more or something.

A different note all together, then.;;;
Uhm. My cat is recovered from her urinary tract.
My friend is housing a new puppy.
I'm eating fruit slices.
The scarf I got from Lindsay is very comfy.
I have reunited with a lot of old friends.
I got a new bike the other day (not that I should use it, huh...; )
I plan on using it tomorrow, anyway
Monster by Skillet just started to play on my itunes
I am dancing.
Lindsay is going in to get her wisdom teeth removed tomorrow. Best to you, Lindsay! I'll say a fake prayer for you!
And then a real one when I go to bed!

To those who hate, and love::

To those who hate:
Neglect me.
For I am human.

Hurt me.
For I feel pain.

Ignore me.
For I give you attention.

Glare at me.
For how dare I smile at you.

Keep your distance.
For all I want is to be close to you.

Call me names.
For I can hear them.

Make fun of me.
For I'm something to laugh at.

Condemn me to death.
For I'm a sick person.

These injustices, I will forgive in time.
But what you had done to Ashie,
Whose death deprives me of oxygen,
Whose friendship I was well and ready to hold dear the remainder of my life;
I will never allow you repentance.
 
To those who love me:
I am not strong-
Please give me strength.

I am not brave-
Please give me courage.

I am lost-
Please give me guidance.

I am in pain-
Please give me love.

I am not healthy-
Please give me reason to keep fighting.

I am not okay-
Please hear me crying.

I am traumatized-
Please be there when I need you.

I am   S C A R E D -
Please tell me I'll be alright.

Remind me always that you are there;
and that you love me.
Hold me and don't let me feel alone;
Do not be fooled by me.
Give me reason to forget all the things that have happened before.

~The glass box|

"In reality, your nothing but a venomous snake seeking self-gratification, knowing full well your actions and not caring who you hurt."
"You could've at least be happy for us, but instead you chose to wallow in your feelings."
 "You think of yourself as the queen bee, and whenever things don't go the way you want you bring everybody else down too."
"People are going to be ignoring you your whole life. Get used to it!"
"I honestly thought better of you, Jess."
"You're terrible at this! You don't even care, do you."
"Your brother is having issues... he needs to go to therapy. And I think it has something to do with you, Jess."
"You love looking for pity points, don't you. Don't go around spouting all your feelings to the world... You're always scouting out their pity to make yourself feel better, and it's SICKENING."
"I'm disappointed in you! You told me you wanted to try for the team this year!"

Of all the things that have been said to me, why do the negatives stick to vividly in my mind over all the nice things I'm told? All of these instances of misunderstanding and rage and pain... I hold on to them all. I hold them close. And though years have passed in some instances, I still am hurt remembering them. I'm nauseous now, having them echoing through my head.

The first three were not true. They never were, and I knew that, but they still haunt me to this day. To this moment.

Pity points.
The fact that I'm so dependent on other people. The statement that held enough truth that I shut my mind away from my friends and chose to lead an independent, lonely lifestyle. Because they were right. I rely on others to pull me up after I was the one who made myself fall down, and it's despicable. My pains should me mine and mine alone, or else I'm just asking for people to get tired of me getting motivation from them. Imposing on people is bad, shut the fuck up and keep your thoughts to yourself, Jess. That's basically what he told me, and I followed it. While recently I've been trying to revert this thinking style, it will take everything that I have to fix.

Like a coin.

To that which are the people far,
I am not understood.
To that which are the people close,
I am understood less.
Yet why is it the less I want to understand more?


Do you have people important to you in your life?
Have you ever once thought about why you associate with those people?
Did you ever think that maybe, you choose to be with them because they complete some part of who you are?

Some of life's most amazing people are the people with personalities so versatile that they can complete not only multiple parts of you, but other pieces of the people around them. The people that literally, have the capability of becoming a part of who you are. The people that don't counter you; they complete you with the very fact that they are just that- opposite.

And no. I am not talking about how opposites attract. I'm talking about the extremes of your personality that need to be nulled by what somebody else can offer you combatance with. I'm talking about the people that can talk you down when you're angry. The people that can pull you from the slums without so much as a thought. The people that are able to push you down when you're too high up and the people that can catch you and help you understand that you were not pushed, you were corrected. The people that can counter your ignorance with their attentiveness and save you from the things you can't see coming. The people that can give you hope even in your darkest hours.
Those who would see you dying and think not about the misery of your death, but how to stop it.

Those with good natures. The relaxed, the sweet, the honest, the pure, the innocent, the angelic, the optimistic, the realistic, the skeptical, the blunt, the indirect, the strong, the inpirational, the motivational, the emotionally powerful people out there that can not only alter your outlook, but change you for the best.

We are completed by the people of opposing qualities. As such, in order to feel complete by these people, we have to understand that we hold the opposite qualities in ourselves.

Optimists need skeptics to keep them from trying for things out of reach, and from becoming dillusional.

Those with a relaxed nature need people who are structural to keep their lives and plans from falling apart.
Structural people need relaxed companions to keep them from becoming overstressed, and to teach them it's okay to take some things as they come.

People with sweet dispositions need those with stronger regimes in order to learn how to toughen their skin. Strong people need the sweeter people to teach them generousity.

People who are blunt require the indirect to discover better ways to approach speaking your mind. The indirect, inversely, learn how to better get their point across from those who are blunt.

People who are characteristically shy need those who are social and charismatic to help them into new friendships. The social and charismatic, if they cease talking, can learn to be humble from the sheepish characters.

Then there are the inspirational and motivational people that touch our lives. Sometimes, in the most discreet ways possible. The people that know just the right things to say to lift your spirit from it's grave if they had to. The people that can talk you up and down and through the fires of hell, and no matter what happened, they would keep your trust just enough to keep you listening to them.

Without these people in our lives, changing is nearly impossible. We, as humans, need the influence of another to rectify our behaviours. We need somebody there, correcting us, from the time of infancy and all through teenage years and even as adults. What's commonly mistaken is that teachers are responsible for this- in fact, the people around us are way more influential, and we retain a lot more from them than we ever do from our educations.

Balance, as well, is a nearly impossible feat to achieve.

We thrive off one another, and while we may not notice it immediately, if one were to take a look at the people surrounding their lives, I could almost garuntee that they would think that, in at least one instance, this rant is true.

Because traits are like coins. One side of the coin is pointless. But when both sides are there, it becomes something useful.

|The girl who had less love-|

Mommy. What if the other kids... What if they don't like me, mommy?
How could they not, dear? You're such a sweetheart.

The girl stood there, the distance between her and the other children far too distant to be considered normal. The figment of her imagination; the illusion of what she thought her mother would have been like, had faded, and she was left to face the reality of her loneliness. She was completely silent- the kids that passed her, ignored her completely, and the ones that bothered give her a second glance did upon that second glance, critique every fiber of her being.

Unlike the other children, she made no effort to clasp the straps of her backpack. She insisted upon keeping it, all school day and even through lunch, and she always wore knit mittens over her hands even in the summer months. She shook somewhat from the cold, staring at the whisps of her breath that huffed into the air in puffs. At these, she seemed quirkily amused.

And this was how she stood. Every morning, all alone. She stood by herself, staring at her own breathing. The first long, cold month passed, and as one of the children observed, the girl's eyes steadily were becoming redder around the edges. Purple splotches started to form beneath the girl's eyes, and the sheen of her bright red shoes began to dull. Yet the girl stood there on her own, each day, fighting the harsh words of the other children with her passive smile.

"Inside... Inside, you're crying, aren't you." One brave little boy had asked her one day. His blue eyes were glossed over in anticipation of her answer, his light blond hair falling somewhat messily out in front of him. She was entirely bland in comparison- brown eyes, brown hair... She didn't respond to his question. She just stood there, her eyes now diverted to her shoes. She spoke reflectively to her laces.

"Why do they hate me?"
The boy blinked in thought, comprehending the entirety of what it was she had just asked him. He shrugged his shoulders. "Because you're different." His words fell upon deaf ears, however, as soon as he made a move to grasp her hand, he was rather coldly rejected. She rapidly jerked her mittened hand away, forcing the poisoned memories from her mind as she drew a breath. The boy ignored this motion, assuming she was shy on account of her reaction. "You... Your name is Annalise, right? Annalise Thompson?"

The silence was more than enough of an answer for him. He stood up proudly, laughing a little at her expression at his accurate guessing skills. He pointed to himself proudly. "I'm Tyler! Tyler Justin Rhodes! Oh, but you can just call me Tyler, I guess." He stepped off his high horse for a moment, leaning foward to get a better look at her. "Listen. I'm new here, and you look like you're easy enough to befriend, so from here on out, your my best friend! Got that?"



The world felt... cold.
So hollow.
She felt so alone.
So unbearably... alone.



Annalise walked the halls in solitude, perpetually haunted by the words of her classmates. They gossiped her wierdness, ridiculed her appearance, and chastised her for always covering her hands. She took it all in silent pain, bottling their words to mourn over later. Later where... where Daddy could comfort her, right?

Wasn't that what Daddies were for?

This was how her life went on. Day in and day out, the hour after school where she was alone being her only true escape from harm. This repeated in an endless loop, with Tyler's comfort a very large amenity to her will to live. Over time, while words wore her thin, he insisted upon holding her up, and he would take her beatings whenever he could help it. Something that, while years passed, she never grasped.

One day, she was being bullied by her classmates. They had decided, for entertainment purposes, they should forcefully remove Annalise's gloves from her hands. Their actions were spurred to fruitition by the sound of Annalise's desparate pleas; she was wailing for them to please not, please not remove her gloves. But she was pinned, and she couldn't jerk her hand free as she had done to detur them so many other times before.

And so she sat there, her trauma bleeding out through her eyes, as the image of her glove being removed forced her to relive memories she had long been trying to forget. As the glove passed her fingertip, it seemed as though the entire world fell silent to her mournful cries. The world watched Annalise's hand, helpless to the feelings of dread that now hung over it.

The sound of crunching gravel drew closer, as a sorrowful and dismal Tyler approached Annalise, fell to his knees, and buried her vision into his chest. He removed Annalise's hand from those of her dictators, picked up her mitten, and slipped it quietly over the only finger on Annalise's left hand.

Annalise's voice trembled violently as she spoke the most powerful words the children had ever heard.
"H-how m-m-much... D-d... did F-f-f-... father.... Pa-a-y... y-y-y-you... to h-h-hate m-me?"

(/A short story... End.)

Just a timeline.

|This Innocence|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A simple timeline, to map out defining moments in my life.
I will use this to further understand why I am the way that I am...
From the earliest important events, that I can remember.

Age Unknown; My earliest memory.
I woke up. It was a school day... I got up and walked into the kitchen, dad had made bacon and muffins were in the oven.... I remember Dad mentioning something, and my brother replied with his quirky usual little, "Well... /I/ THINK..." and retaliated my dad's statement with something... Though I can't recall what.

Age five:
I remember christmas that year. My brother got an electronic batmobile because he'd been jealous of my barbie jeep... I remember being secretly upset because I felt like my parents hadn't put nearly as much thought into what I wanted. I liked the toys, yeah... but I didn't LOVE them. I think it was some time there that I decided to myself that I would act more like an individual, maybe that way mom and dad would get me things they knew I would like. Incidentally... My obsession with pokemon, pikachu in particular, came at around this time.
For the record, I wasn't jealous of his batmobile, as he looked rediculously funny driving it because he would always drive with one of his legs hanging out of the side. And he could only move it backwards. Funniest damn thing.

I remember hating my mother for a period of time. I remember acting out against her will because I wanted too. I didn't like feeling like her inferior, and I hated her methods of disciplining me. I remember hating my brother and thinking that my parents loved him more. I started to find rather impractical ways to dispence my feelings. Mainly, running outside when I was mad and screaming at the top of my lungs when somebody touched me and I was in a bad mood.

The first day of kindergarten, I remember being very scared. Petrified... I sat by myself, and I thought I was alone. I probably would have cried, had I not heard somebody screaming down the hall from our class. I looked at the door, and there was this little girl, an absolute mess, standing in the doorframe. Her father, who looked rather awkward to me at the time, was telling her she had to stay here even though she didn't want too, and that she would like it, etc, etc. I guess I felt sympathy for her, because I got over myself fast and I walked over and took her hand, then brought her to sit next to me. She was my first best friend. I remember sending her a note the next monday that said, "You are very nice. You can come to my house soon"
Heh. ^^;

Somewhere between the ages of five and six I started to feel extremely lonely. That girl, hannah, was always busy with other things. I felt like I couldn't trust mom with my thoughts. So instead of talking about it, I would take whatever I felt that day and I would vent it out playing with my stuffed animals with my brother, who seemed to love playing with me.

Age seven:
I started to grow very close to my father. I had gotten past hating my mother, but my father had never wronged me. Not once. Even now, I still hold him in very high regard and I am very proud to tell people that he is my father. He always did nothing but love me. Though he didn't spend time with me much like mom did, I always loved it three times as much when I spent the day with him.
I also really started to connect with some children of my mother's friends; they were about my age, some of them, and we got to see each other a lot. One in particular... Erica Short, loved me to tears. I loved her back. Her sister had a bossy personality, so she tended to accidentaly hurt Erica, and Erica would run to her room and I would follow her and hold her and play with her.

We would stay late while the grown-ups smoked and gambled, and I would watch late-night runs of Inuyasha and Yu-Yu-Hakusho and Samurai Jack to pass the time, because the tv was almost always on cartoon network and I didn't know how to work the remote properly. I would fall asleep to the sounds of yelling, laughing, and cigarette smoke, and wake up in my bed the next morning. Easy as that.

During the second grade, I met Kam. The first kid who had ever bothered to come to me first. And we hung out.... a LOT. He certainly did brighten up my life...

Age 8:
Sadly, this was the year my extensive list of medical records began. Towards the start of third grade, I began to suffer extreme pain in my sides. Being a stupid child I didn't say anything until it got even worse... Somewhere in that time frame, I met Cher-rer-ios, the light of my life <3

It got to the point where I would get faint when the pain came. I finally told my mother what had been happening. She took me to the doctor, and after being a guniea pig for a good month of my life, I was admitted into the hospital. While they knew it was some kind of urinary tract infection, the infections kept coming back after the treatments. My visit steadily started to grow longer... Eventually, the pain was so bad that it was difficult to walk normally. I remember that my mom stayed the entire time, and every now and then she would come into the room with her eyelashes bunched together after walks.
They thought they had diagnosed my problem. Alledgedly, when I went in for reconstructive surgery that was supposed to take two hours, I came out after eight. They discovered that I had been born with two tubes connecting my kidney to my bladder, rather than the normal of just one. The tubes had conjoined and became clogged, and they had to separate and clear them on both sides. They said that my right kidney sustained damage from the infections, and to this day I still get pain on that side.

After three months of hospitalization and one and half months of rehabilitation, I was finally able to go back to school.
During that time, not a single person visited me. I relyed entirely on my brother and mother for company. I started to really grow attatched to my brother in particular, because while he could have been repeled by the fact there was a tube in my back, he choose to go out of his way to be with me.

Age 9:
My brother started to take up piano. While he was ametur, I loved to listen to him, and to listen to father when he was correcting him. My brother took lessons down the street, but he would always practice on the keyboard in the livingroom. I was so happy that he had found something he wanted to do with his life. So happy.
So happy, that I wanted to hear it as well as I could... One night, our cat was meowing loudly while he was playing, and I shushed her... My mother misinterpreted this and thought I was shushing my brother, and she yelled at me. Told me how rude I was... Even dad adressed me. I was so confused about why, and what I had done. It really hurt the younger me, while it may seem silly now it still affects me...

My brother started therapy that year. I didn't think much of it, though I turned it down when mom offered me the same treatment. I remember her sitting me down one night, to talk to me. She explained that he would be going to a therapist monthly starting from that month... And that he was very upset about something. Then she hit me with what was probably one of the biggest bombshells of my life.
She told me that she thought I might be the cause.
She never enlightened me on why, and she never stopped me later to tell me if I had been.
Since then, I don't think I've ever raised my voice at him, and I'm very scared of what he might take personally.

This was also the year I entered softball.
I loved softball.

Age 10:
I was very upset that I could not actually become a pokemon trainer.

I started to really start hanging out with Jenna around this age. I didn't care what people thought of her, because when I was with her I felt as though I could leave the entire world behind me. All the bad things that I felt would go away when she was around. It didn't matter if I was about to keel over from exhaustion, I would always try to stay with her.
I didn't care if I had to stay inside by myself during recess in winter and summer. I would see her from the window, waiting for the bell to come back to me. The teacher would let me clean the floors, and I would forget all about being alone in that little room. Though, I was eventually joined by Jason. Lucky for me, he was the class clown and he and Jacob just wanted to be sure I was okay. They'd entertain me with skits and witty remarks... Jason would try and ride the swiffer mop while Jacob pushed.
Jason owes me at least 50$ in milk money. By the way. FIFTY DOLLARS. IN MILK MONEY.

I was great at Jack frost, too. Nobody could get me to make a peep but I could make everybody's sides ache from laughing.

Age 11:
I mentioned Erica and those other children. By this point, I had grown really fond of them. I thought for sure that they would be there forever; I felt safe the way things were. But something happened; our parents got into a huge fight, and my mother cut all ties with their families. I have not spoken a word to them, since... I was upset for the longest time, and every now and again I look at the album of our last memories.
And I see Jenna, sitting there in the pictures too, and I smile...

I still miss them.

This was also the year that I had to give up softball. To put it bluntly, the team didn't like me, they nitpicked my imperfections, and they were all friends while I knew none of them...

Age 12:
My mother had me take swimming lessons to help me strengthen my back. While I didn't keep any friends from it, I was able to beat all the instructors and I had a crush on one of the really cute interns.
Seriously
He was REALLY cute
AND STRONG! HE COULD THROW ME SO HIGH!
Anyway. I thought that this could replace softball for me, because I was so good with it, and i had all the strokes down pact. I was so excited that I might have another hobby, that I didn't care that swimming is for some reason considered a WINTER sport.

I started to get to know Shan-shan better through Cheerios somewhere around this time. She and my mother really clicked well, and she was willing to talk to me about things that I just couldn't say to cheerios. She was my vent when I really needed one, and she spoke to me with utmost sincerity. I adapted very well to her stubbornness, and picked up a bit of it myself. Cheerios kept us together, and together we've stayed.

Age 13:
Kam started being my friend again. I realized that he'd gotten crazier over time, though. Lucky for me. xD; I introduced him to Shannon and Cheerios, and while he and Cheerios got by okay Shannon didn't like him.

Then... Durning the middle of it, sometime... I met this unbearably shy girl, though a friend of mine. Stephanie... She and I got along so well, for reasons I don't really understand, we just felt so welcome around each other. Ironically enough, she's stuck better than that said friend ever did XD
She mentioned one day that she didn't like the people she hung out with, because they basically didn't care for her, so I invited her to hang out with my friends. She was skeptical at first, but she fit right in just like I told her I knew she would. And she hasn't showed any signs of remorse since then.
She got me into anime.

I HATE YOU STEPH XD



The last years till now... Are traumatic for me. My stomach is churning right now just thinking about it, so I think I'll break for now and... and finish tomorrow. Maybe.

playlist

|"Don't let me fade"|




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"Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?"

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And if I could have ten wishes...

10
I would wish perpetual happiness for the people who have done me right.

9
I would wish enlightenment for the people who have done me nothing but wrong.

8
I would wish the best for those who haven't met me.

7
I would wish that everybody had found a reason to smile.

6
I would wish that I could give people a reason to let pain go.

5
I would wish that everybody had somebody to support them, like I do.

If there was something I could think of to use the other five on, I would. But where it stands now, there's none on my mind.

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I was... questioned. "Why?" They asked. I had.... no real answer. I laid there, pondering this for a while, thinking long and hard about it. Why do I do the things that I do? I dismissed it first as selflessness. For this I was scolded a bit...;

I've decided that selflessness is only half of the cause. I questioned why, many, many times over and... I came to the conclusion that it's an adaptation. Because secretly, I really am afraid things will fall through my fingers. I am afraid that my entire world will collapse on me and that I'll be left with nothing. It's scary to think that one day these people i've become codependent on might leave me to stand on my own. It's frightening to somebody like me...

But I know that nobody wants to see me afraid. They don't want me to show my insecurities to them, because they need me to be strong for them. There's no room for me to be openly weak. There's no room for me to fall down and cry, no matter how I might want too sometimes. And I can accept that. But at the same time, the last thing I want to do is repel people. I don't want them to get the wrong idea of me and think that I don't care for them.

But how does one stay emotionally strong and yet display affections for other people?
I found an answer in conventional means. That's why ninety percent of the things I do are for other people. Why most of my time is spent doing things for the people close to me. Because it's my way of telling them,
"Hey... It's okay. I'm here for you. I understand you... I know the things you like, and I know what makes you smile. I'll put in any amount of time for you...
Please. Don't... Don't ever leave me."

Some people would insult me for this. There are kids I know that would laugh and jack off at me for spouting nonsense right now.
Which I guess makes sense... it's four in the morning... it probably is nonsense.;